Permission To Stop The Craziness

The last couple of days have been weird and somewhat difficult for me.  It is not often that a driven person like myself gets into the mood of not wanting to (go to) work.  It actually took a lot of energy to get out of the house.  While dealing with people drains much energy from me anyway, it took considerably much more effort in these past couple of days.  I do not know if it is the full moon or my unbalanced hormones, but things have really been out of  whack -- in both businesses, the people with whom I am dealing (or at least trying to), business meetings being cancelled without notifying me, business projects being put on hold, other business tie-ups, etc.

This morning was a real kicker for me, and even after a whole day, I am still feeling kind of weird.  I woke up and felt that I could not (or did not want to?) face the world today.  I just really wanted to crawl into a hole and wrap myself up into a tight cocoon.  I just felt so depressed today, and I have no idea why.  I literally curled myself into a ball as tight as possible and lay in bed crying.  I cried out to God.  I felt like I was doing everything He said to do the best that I could do so, and yet I was spinning my wheels in the air and not accomplishing anything.  I knew that I was facing some of Satan's finest and I really did not have the strength to fight them.  All I could do was to cry out to God for His protection and strength.

I did not actually get up until 1pm and only because I was hungry and thirsty.  I vegged out in front to the television (another less common thing with me) for hours and finally got ready for a business meeting this evening.  I drove out to the meeting and the person was not even there.  Then I drove home, listening to the Flyers game.  I watched the rest when I got home, and as good as a game it was, my boys lost and it has not helped me to feel any better than 12 hours ago.

On my way home, I stopped by a store to pick up some windshield wiper fluid and also a bag of chocolates.  I had three during the game and printed on one of the wrappers was, "It's OK to not do it all."

I guess I do need little reminders that I cannot and am not supposed to do it all... and it is alright.

I know that (thankfully) God is in control and that everything is according to His plan.  Nothing happens by my strength or planning.  I guess God is allowing Satan to sift my heart and spirit at the moment.  For what purpose?  I have not a clue.  And I do not like feeling the way I do.  I do not have energy or desire to do anything, not even to sit out on the deck in the sun today.  I just feel like crying, in a hole.