My Journey Into Self

In the last couple of months, I have been trying to do some self-examination.  A lot of things I thought I knew (about myself) suddenly did not appear so certain after all.  I was unsure of my strengths and even of my personality, which contributed to whether I was doing what I should be doing.  I began to wonder what job I really was most suited for, and though a friend recommended a book to help me figure it out, I still have not checked it out of the library...  I wondered if I should give up one of my businesses and settle for a steady paycheque from some company (and allowing myself to be owned again).

Recently, I have decided that what I have chosen for a job to pay the bills is what I should be doing, and what I have chosen for a future for my family is also what I should be doing.  In short, what I was doing before is what I should be doing in the future.  I am just not quite to the point where I can make a full return yet, though I am approaching it in the near future.

So through this process, God has been teaching me about security and dependence.  

My first mistake was losing sight of Jesus.  I felt that I had to work longer and harder to make the money we needed to pay our bills.  That came at the cost of my dedicated time with Jesus.  The price was even costlier -- I distanced myself from the best friend I could ever have without even knowing it.  I was depending less and less on Him, and more and more on myself.  It is a little like trading a Porsche GT for a Ford Pinto.  (You get the picture...)

My second mistake was when I became so caught up in "I have to make this work so that I can pay the bills", I lost sight of the one true source of security -- Jesus.  The only one who truly provides is Him, not I.  It has never been "I make it work and provide for the family" but rather "I work the job that God gave me, and He provides for the family."  My security should never have been dependent on me, but on Jesus.

So going forward, I have to make sure that I keep my focus on the right things.  I need to do what I can do to keep my focus on Jesus and trust Him to provide for the bills... exactly like He has been doing in the last couple of months without my help.  I need to remember that it is not all up to me and it is not all about me.  If prioritising my relationship with Him means giving Him the first hours of my day and my work day not starting till noon, then it means that my work day is not starting till noon.  I have that flexibility and I ought to exercise it.